This wasn’t something I wished to share in the moment. I didn’t share my own personal connection with suicide nor that I could relate to her little girl. I didn’t confess my thoughts about feeling relief. In the moment I heard about Kate Spade’s death, I didn’t speak up. I felt relief because it made me, and potentially many others, closer to feeling a little more comfortable to ask for help or support when needed. When it was openly stated in the news that day, I felt relief because it made me think we might be closer to a time where those of us affected by self-harm and suicide can just say the word: suicide. I think if suicide and self-harm were discussed more openly, there would be a revelation for those of us who have been affected by it. Therefore, I don’t talk about it often and I feel the need to be careful when I do - to protect others, to stay silent for those who aren’t familiar with depression severe enough to cause people to take their own lives.
Even though the details surrounding the cause of my father’s death are out in the open now, it’s still not something that people talk about. I’m 34 years old now and I’m still met with puzzled faces and uncomfortable responses when I talk about my father. I think about what it will be like for her to now have to tell people she meets that her mother ended her own life. I think about Kate’s daughter and I wonder how this will affect her. But it’s no fun to go to school for these lessons alone and often many of us do. I believe with loss, tragedy and trauma comes an opportunity for growth. They make me wise, compassionate and empathetic - although during rough patches those questions and curiosities about depression and suicide can make me feel alone and isolated. It’s those questions and curiosities that make me tick as a person - that make me feel happy and alive.
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